gym comp on wed, took photos, and thats about all the un-emo stuff i have.
we're talking my bestie here. shes the greatest friend ive found in a long long time. shes really a nice person who's just a little troubled by her past. i have to admit, i dont really know her that well, but i know she needs someone to be there for her all the time. she cannot fall again, because when she does, she can never stand up again.
so initially here i was, thinking that i would be able to pull her to her feet, and let her walk again. as time passed, i realised that what she needed was more than someone to help her get up. she needed someone to walk by her too
i always thought i could be the perfect friend she wanted. seeing her happy and all made me feel happy too. but i wasnt the perfect friend that i wanted myself to be, because:
1. i dont think before i act. it happened lots and lots of times. when i do something, i tell myself this time im doing it right and i wont regret it, but somehow or other things turned out rather sad.
2. i tend to do things only to my best interest.
3. i hurt, offend and anger people very easily, either because of my stubborn behaviour, or because of my bluntness
4. sometimes, even when i know the consequences, i still choose to do that something. im irrational
so today, we had this argument. if it was with someone else it wouldnt have mattered that much. but it was with her. i know how much she wants to go out with me, and each time i ask her out she'll be really really happy.
i feel as though ive cheated her. and thats probably because i have. if i had stopped for a moment to think about everything, i might have just went out with her. and the thing is, i never let her knew the real reason why i didnt want to go out.
i was really sick. since saturday when my appetite went hibernating. all i wanted was to go home and rest, and i didnt tell her this for a very simple reason: i dont want her to worry. when she knew i was sick and wasnt eating well, she went and cooked for me. i dont want her to take the trouble.
so i churned out all sorts of excuses. though excuses, they were all true. then i walked off, and so did she. then i realised what i did was all a mistake. if i had just gave in to her for once things wouldnt have turned out to ugly
and its not just today, since yesterday, there were some weirdness between the 2 of us. even jieshi could tell i was acting weird and didnt sound like myself.
this is probably the first time i have ever let someone affect me so much.
on the bus home from jelita/hpps today, i was wondering: where would charlene be if this friendship were to end just like that?
for once you can say im really lost. now i dont know what to do, and theres practically no one around me who i can go turn to to say all these stuff. shes always been the one i was talking to, sharing everything about and simply being there for me all the time.
suddenly its as though shes gone. i dont dare to do anything now. which is probably a bad thing because i doubt she'll do anything either. so i'll just have to pluck up my courage one day and go talk to her if she doesnt. im such a coward i realised.
God please let everything be ok soon. i really cant see myself let go of her just like that
